TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, PROFITS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Staff Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were being a penthouse, it will include a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker entry. That's the vision driving Trump Tower Damascus, the most recent geopolitical development-slash-luxurious property calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.


Yes, The person who set casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Graphic catalogs has now set his eye on the center East. And not the usual Dubai skyline filler both-no, we are talking Damascus, town Traditionally recognized for ancient society, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with views of contested airspace.


"It is going to be tremendous. Large!" Trump declared through a leaked golfing cart Zoom contact, streamed from the Placing inexperienced inside of Mar-a-Lago's Situation Bunker. "We've had beautiful ceasefires in Syria. Several of the ideal. But now, we're setting up them with balconies."



Welcome on the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus similar to a shaved alpaca inside of a falafel stand-confused, majestic, and totally out of place. Created by Slovenian firm Ivana & Sons, the tower capabilities:




  • A three-floor Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Satisfied Hour right until the drone flies")




  • And also a 9/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely called "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses reported blended reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile service provider, sighed, "We waited ten a long time for potable drinking water. But Indeed, absolutely sure, let's have A different put in which American Males can don robes and contact it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains plus a pillow menu, certainly."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. foreign coverage analysts are contacting this one of the most audacious peace attempt due to the fact Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Whilst preceding negotiations failed beneath the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's prepare is less complicated: supply All people a suite on the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.


According to files published on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal consists of "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration between rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, total with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is often soft electric power," said political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian TV, wielding a deal as well as a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO doesn't. Geopolitical gridlock requirements fewer diplomats plus much more minibar upgrades."



Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming


Intercontinental watchdogs have sounded the alarm, generally into gold-plated intercoms installed in Every single device. The UN Exclusive Rapporteur for Conflict of Fascination mentioned, "It's not that Trump shouldn't open a tower inside a war zone. It's that he should really halt utilizing it to lease ballroom Area to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when asked about the undertaking, replied, "You realize, male, I after rode a camel in Beirut. Good people today. Wonderful tan. In any case, do I continue to have that ice cream?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a set for "long term proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred to the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility of your Levant."



Satellite Photos Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit revealed that the lodge's landscaping kinds an enormous Trump head visible from space, a attribute staying marketed as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is made from refugee tents and the chin is… nicely, labeled.


Environmental groups have filed lawsuits right after acquiring the setting up's gold plating mirrored a great deal of sunlight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and set hearth to a neighborhood melon cart.


"It's not only unpleasant. It's a war crime with curtains," mentioned Amnesty Global's regional director.



The Melania Wing as well as other Perplexing Functions


Perhaps the strangest factor with the tower is its Melania Wing, which consists of:




  • A silent atrium in which attendees might contemplate obscure disappointment




  • A replica of her Slovenian bedroom, finish with local climate Manage set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I don't care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic display.




Neighborhood Syrians are Not sure what for making of the. "Is she a ghost?" asked twelve-calendar year-old Ahmad, pointing to some holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Promoting System: "For those who Bomb It, They'll Come"


The ad marketing campaign, a short while ago leaked by using the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. One particular poster reads:


"Peace is Momentary. Luxurious is Without end."


Yet another slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee shops:


"A Tower So Major, Even Assad Has to note."


Community reception is wildly divided. A latest SnapPoll done within a hookah lounge exhibits:




  • 34% say "it'd stabilize the world"




  • 29% say "this can escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% claimed "in which's the closest elevator on the West Bank?"





Trader Praise: "Ultimately, a Disaster That Pays"


The undertaking is already attracting awareness from Worldwide buyers, which includes:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights being a overseas minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs



    • Trump Tower Damascus

  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who stated he'll invest in three penthouses "only to flex on Hezbollah."




Based on a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's business amount may also include things like:




  • A Dollar Keep of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Concept Park Identified as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Area Dependant on the Iraq War





Comment Segment Chaos


About the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb posting about the unveiling, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Are unable to wait around to find out a marriage in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades as an alternative to rice."


Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Last but not least, a resort the place my PTSD may have change-down support."


Yet another put up from @KuwaitiKardashian basically requested:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Impact


U.S. officers stress the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real-estate Arms Race." Reports counsel:




  • China may possibly open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is arranging a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly made available to create a Tesla showroom to the Golan Heights driven by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten involved. As outlined by https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has supplied to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the top ground "The Holy See-Degree Suite."



Remaining Ideas with the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


In the closing ceremony that involved three camels, a flamethrower, in addition to a hologram of Reagan providing a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed about the speakers:


"Damascus required hope. It desired gold. It required a waterslide shaped such as Constitution. I gave all of it 3. You might be welcome."

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